Russiaball

Russiaball (or Russian Federationball) is a large, Orthodox and stronk countryball in Eurasia and covers more clay on Earthball than any other country.

Russiaball is usually strong, proudly, and it got better compared to its old Soviet days, and known for its constant rivalry against Pindosiyaball and  Germanyball and it's worst enemy ( And nightmare ) is  NATOball.

He can into space, and in fact he is the first into space. However, Russiaball is grumpy with the  USAball and  Turkeyball. Russiaball has fairly good relations with Chinaball but dislikes  Japanball.

He loves (not homosex though) his Slavic family and his sister Belarusball and his friend  Kazakhbrick.

Russiaball is also a member of the G20 (or Group of Twenty), a club formed by the countryballs that have the 19 largest economies plus the EUball.

The Joy of Rus
"Alcoholic" could not even begin to describe Russiaball. Wherever he goes, he carries a bottle of vodka with him. In fact, in Russia, shot glasses don't exist because everyone is expected to down the Vodka in one gulp. St. Vladimir the Great of the Kievan Rusball was the source of the quote, “Drinking is the Joy of the Rus, we cannot exist without that pleasure”. The ancestors of Russiaball removed Kebab and converted to orthodoxy exactly because kebab removes vodka.

Indeed, the compound known as Ethanol serves a utilitarian purpose in Russian life; they help survive the cold, they can be used as disinfectant, and we do know that ethanol has a high octane rate which was why scientists are so interested in the manufacture of ethanol from waste biomass in order to fuel the upcoming energy crisis. In other words, since Vodka is basically Ethanol, even their tanks can run on Vodka.

During Victory over Europe, Stalin threw a massive party so vast they ran out of Vodka. The last Imperial and Communist regimes knew this, and personally managed the sell of ethanol. Ethanol is the centre, life and blood of everything that is Russia. But Russia today is a pretty sad and dilapidated place. Alcoholism continues to accelerate to insane levels, and amongst the very poor who could not even afford a bottle of vodka, they instead turned to Krokodil, which is highly addictive and literally ate your flesh alive like some kind of super-Ebola.

Good Old Times
There is a reason for Russiaball having lost pride in itself and could not manage a single second without vodka:

He used to be a world-spanning empire that scared even  USAball. What makes it different from the previous collapse of superpowers like SPQRball into  Italyball was that  Soviet Unionball possessed so much nukes he could EXTERMINATUS the entire Planet many times over.

Everybody, even USAball was scared of the might of the  Soviet empire, and almost every Cold War fiction depicted that either the  USSR must necessarily exist and into Space forever, or a war will completely wipe all life on the face of the planet. The only way for Sovietball to end, was not with a whimper, but with an epic BANG.

Until an idiot named Mikhail Gorbachev took away the Vodka. Gorbachev was the most unpopular of the Soviet leaders; Stalin led Russiaball from a backwater in the nemesis of  USAball. The epic nuclear war films of world War III, they were all wrong. Russia went with a whimper, reduced to Tricolours with Rusting Rockets. No wonder the current alcohol epidemic of an empire that rotted from within itself.

The Hope of Rus
However, from this background of chaos and Mafias rose a KGB agent named Vladimir Putin who promised to make Russiaball a great power once again, negotiating alliances with old friend  Chinaball. Though, he was controversial as well for removing Gays and Kebab from Russian premises, which earned him the ire of EUball.

The Rise of Rus
In the 9th century Ancient Slavs inhabited the lands that are now  Russiaball. In the late 9th century Vikings captured Novgorodball and Kievball and forged them into a nation called  Kievan Rusball. Slowly Viking rulers adopted native costums and language and were assimilated into Russian society.

In 988 Prince Vladimir Putin converted to Orthodoxyball and his people followed. Kievan Rusball began trading with Byzantiumball. After 1054 when Kievan Rusball's ruler Yarolslav the Wise died he broke up into a federation of princedoms.

The Mongol Era
Meanwhile, Europe was attacked by -wait for it- the Mongols! At first they destroyed towns and massacred the inhabitants but later let the Russian principalities rule themselves as long as they paid tribute.

" Lord Novgorodball the Great" (his favorite nickname) however was not invaded, but he wisely decided to voluntary submit to the Mongol Empireball. While under the mongols, Lord Novgorodball the Great decided to annex surrounding territory ( in  Russiaball annexing territory is a national sport equal to drinking) and his ruler became prince of Moscow in 1263. But it did not stop there, his next rulers also gradually kept annexing large amounts of territory, slowly becoming larger and stronger.

Ivan III (1462 - 1505) removed mongol in 1480 ceasing to be a slave. He also annexed territory. The last indepdent parts of Russiaball were annexed by his son Vasili III thus  Russiaball gradually became complete.

Tsardom of Russia
In 1547 he became Tsardom of Russiaball. In the 16th century Russiaball had far more contact with western Europe. Many European craftsmen came to work in Russiaball,  Englandball began trading by sea with him.

In 1533 Ivan the Terrible inhereted the throne of Russiaball, he was crowned Tsar (derived from the Roman Caesar). He also expanded Russiaball territory annexing clay ( drinking and annexing are the joy of Rus ) mostly from the remains of  Mongol Empireball, HA! TAKE THAT NOOBS! TAKE IT! TAKE IT! YUO DISERVE IT! DON'T MESS WITH RUSKY! GG WP EASY! After that glorious period Ivan became increasingly paranoid degenerating into a tyrant. He killed his own son. He died in 1584. His other son, Theodore, died in 1598 without leaving an heir and Russiaball entered a period of turmoil.

In 1603 a man aka "The False Dmitry" claiming to be Ivan the Terrible's youngest son Dmitry appeared. In reality Dmitry died in 1591. He then raised an army and conquered Moscow in 1605. But he was replaced by Prince Vasily Shusky in 1606. Russiaball then descended into anarchy "It's of every vodka for himself!" until a man named Michael Romanov was made tsar of Russiaball, starting the era of the Romanov dynasty that would last for 300 years.

In 1645, Michael Romanov was succeded by his son, Alexis the Most Gentle. During his reign the Ukrainians, who were ruled by the Poles, sought protection from Russia. This event started The Deluge where Poland-Lithuaniaball lost more than half of its population, you had it coming! In 1667 Russia gained all of the Ukraine east of the Dneiper and Kiev and Smolensk.

In 1682 the famous Peter the Great became Tsar. He was determined to bring Russia up to date and turn it into an European nation. In 1696-97 he traveled to the west. He built a navy and in 1696 he captured Azov from kebab. Peter encouraged foreign trade, the translation of foreign books into Russian, the building of factories (peasants were conscripted to work in them), introduced the Julian calendar, reformed the Russian government and administration, introduced western dress and banned the Russian nobles (boyars) from wearing beards. When the patriarch died in 1700 Peter refused to replace him. Instead he formed a body called a Holy Synod to head the Russian Orthodox Church.

The church was made subordinate to the Tsar and was meant to serve him. Peter also founded a port in northwest Russia called St Petersburg. The new city was built in the years 1703-1712. Vast numbers of peasants were conscripted to do the work and many thousands of them died because of the harsh conditions. Peter also imposed heavy taxation on his people.

In 1700 Peter the Great went to war with Swedenball in what became known as The Great Northern War. ( Polandball and Denmarkball were his allies). In 1700 the he was defeated at Neva. However in 1709 Swedenball invaded  Ukraineball and were crushed at the Battle of Poltava. In 1721 he made peace with Swedenball gaining Estonia and land around the Gulf of Finland.

However Peter was less successful against the kebab. In 1710 he went to war with them but in 1711 his army was defeated and he was forced to make peace. He was forced to return Azov.

Russian Empire of Vodka
In 1721 Russia became the Russian Empireball. After Peter the Great's death in 1725 a few other boring ruler came. But then in 1762 came another Russian jewel: Catherine the Great.

Under her reign Russian Empireball continued to expand his clay. She fought a successful war with kebab in 1768-1774. As a result Russian Empireball gained land by the Black Sea and in 1783 took Crimea. kebab lost still more territory after a war in 1787-1791.

In 1772, Russian Empireball,  Kingdom of Prussiaball and  Austrian Empireball helped themselves to a slice of  Polandball each. Russian Empireball and Kingdom of Prussiaball helped themselves to more  Polandball each in 1793. Finally in 1795  Russian Empireball,  Kingdom of Prussiaball and  Austrian Empireball divided up what was left of  Polandball between them. By the time Catherine died in 1796 Russia was very powerful.

Russian Empireball later fought with Franceball,  UKball,  Ottomanball, the  Japanese Empireball and the  German Empireball.

☭ The Golden Era of Communism ☭
In 1918, his son, the Soviet Unionball killed him. He was born many children - Russiaball,  Belarusball,  Ukraineball and others. In 1941, his "friend", Nazi Germanyball treacherously attacked him, and after 4 years of a fascist himself killed himself by declaring that War. Signs hero cities have been awarded many of his grandchildren - Sevastopolball,  Moscowball,  Leningradball,  Stalingradball,  Murmanskball,  Tulaball,  Brestball and others.

In 1962, because of his other Cubaball nearly started a new, perhaps THE LAST WAR IN OUR HISTORY! In 1986, his daughter Ukraineball something naughty (more in the article about  Ukraineball). In 1957, Russiaball and her brother Kazakhbrick launched the first rocket into space.

Before the Great Patriotic War (in the most of the former Soviet Union, so called Second World War) the  Soviet Unionball selected for children daughters  Belarusball and  Ukraineball of the land of his brother -  Polandball (Polish father, a former  Polish kingdom) ( Polandball - Russia's slavic brother) which Polandball took away the  Soviet Unionball in 1920.

Ruski is not yet lost!
After the death of the father (or murder) Russiaball first behaved more lightly. But after the war in Chechnyaball and the two defold,  Russiaball pulled himself together and started to build a new life.

In 2014, Russiaball returned his brother -  Crimeaball - to his clay, despite the fact that the almost rest of the world was against it.

Russia's history in a nutshell: CONQUEST RUSSIA STRONK!

Друзья (Friends)

 * China-icon.png Chinaball - Old commie buddies ! Great friend.


 * Eastern Orthodoxy - State religion of the Holy Russian Empire, and bulwark against the German devil (forget the atheist Soviet era, it never worked. Besides  Nazi version of German Devil was removed, because Soviet people belived in бог).


 * India-icon.png Indiaball - I gib him lots of weapons so he likes me and I like him. He is Hindu but he pays a lot of curry. Also both in BRICS together. DEFEND CURRY!


 * UK-icon.png UKball - Sometimes. He's protestant, but we both can into tea and   German Devils removing. And also French. So my question is: WHY YUO DON'T WANT TO JOIN  MY RESTORED SOVIET UNION?


 * Iceland-icon.png Icelandball - Just arctic buddies....


 * Belarus-icon.png Belarusball - The best friend and little sister.Russia:Belarus!Join me or die!Belarus:Wow okay!


 * Kazakhstan-icon.png Kazakhbrick - My good friend. Kazakstan sometimes lets me use his lawn for launching rockets into space and into anybody he wants removed. Is of good Kebab.


 * Turkey-icon.png Kebab - Will be great allies! unless you fight against Assad.


 * Bosnia-icon.png Croatia-icon.png Greece-icon.png Romania-icon.png Slovenia-icon.png Balkan Countries - Most of the countries of the Balkans are Russia's brothers (except Greece and Romania but they also good friends, I guess) and hang out alot. Orthodox STROK!!!!


 * Brazil-icon.png Brazilball - Well, they are a part of BRICS, add vodka in their cocktails, and hate the German devil, so why not?


 * Portugal-icon.png Portugalball - Brazil's father and trading partner.


 * Armenia-icon.png Armeniaball - A loyal friend in the Caucasus region (perhaps only friend there).


 * Eurasian Unionball - great Russia's son.


 * Serbia-icon.png Serbiaball - Best brother! Great helpings against capitalist American pig, and know truth about new world order NATO!


 * Iran-icon.png Iranball I know in the 19th century we were enemies but now we are of best friends and I like him, he also me. We are Strategic Allies, who knows who this works. Your capital Tehran is very big and cultureful I like it. Xaxaxa and We hate this capitalist Idiotic pig and NATO.


 * Bulgaria-icon.png Bulgariaball - Brother and one of my best friends. Even if Bulgariaball is in Nato and EU. But this makes him confused.


 * Egypt-icon.png Egyptball - Recently insane, relationships since USSR, soviet long time of both helpings each other out, always of visiting Egyptball in vacation, he is makings me room in his new canal, of supporting christianity in there helped him in his canal war, of likings him cause he was independent and anti-imperialist policy earned him enthusiastic support from the Communist government of the USSR.


 * Syria-icon.png Syriaball - Will of helping him get through his NATO-engineered civil war on top.


 * Vietnam-icon.png Vietnamball - Father's good friend but stop calling me  Soviet, am Russia.  Soviet is op my father.


 * Canadaball - Good diplomatic friend, we both love hockey! Honestly I like Canada ... he is a nice guy ...the only fault of Canada is being brother of that arrogant (I'm talking about you,  America).

Друго-враги/Нейтрален (Frenemies/Neutral)

 * Poland-icon.png Polandball - Silly western pigski who are easy to bully. ХАХАХАХАХА, polen cannot into space! But we both can into vodka and we both like to bully and troll gays and Hochland and also both equally strong hate Krauts. Also remove that rocket defense from yuor clay or nukes will of strike Warsawball!


 * USA-icon.png Pindosiyaball - He thinks that he is the king of the world (in the past he even invaded Iraq without UN authorization, but SCREW DOSE GUYS!), he has not noticed that we live in a multipolar world now. He fancies himself multicultural and tolerant but he's so dumb and easy to fool. So yuo finally elected Trump, huh? Great. I Guess we are friends now (I looks forward to workings with yuo). He is the new Sodom and Gomorrah!!!!


 * Japan-icon.png Japanball - Worthy opponent. Our book Lolita is number one bestseller there. Now a loyal bondage slave of the German devil. I am never givings Kuril! Plus His flag is literally a surrender flag! XAXAXAXAXAXAXA!


 * Moldova-icon.png Moldovaball - Doesn't want her to be with Romaniaball and EU, nor Ukraineball.


 * Macedonia-icon.png Macedoniaball - Doesn't want him to be with Bulgariaball, Greece and EU, nor Serbiaball, nor Albania.


 * Philippines-icon.png Philippinesball - June 12 is me and little comrade's special day! Russia day for me and independence for him. He is unfortunately that pig's teenage son. Can into friends soon


 * France-icon.png Franceball - You're part of EU, a Homosex lover, and a Catholic, but are prayers are with you of heplings you remove terrorist.


 * Canada-icon.png Canadaball - We both claim the North Pole.

Ублюдки /Враги ( Bastards /Enemies)

 * Germany-icon.png Germanyball, EU-icon.png Merkelreichtangle and NATOball - Антихристы. Зло, родители котороых - шлюха Вавилона и Сатана. Злейшие враги славянской расы. УБРАТЬ ТЕВТОНСКИХ РЫЦАРЕЙ, УНИЧТОЖИТЬ ПРУССИЮ, УНИЧТОЖИТЬ АНШЛЮС, УНИЧТОЖИТЬ НАЦИЗМ! УНИЧТОЖИТЬ ГЕЙФРИЦЕВ, ИХ КЕБАБСКИХ СОЮЗНИКОВ И МАЛЕНЬКИХ ЧЕРТЕЙ МАРОККО, АМЕРИКИ И ИЗРАИЛЯ! РУССКАЯ СЛАВЯНСКАЯ ЗИМА И ПРАВОСЛАВИЕ СТРОНГ, СТАЛИНГРАДСКАЯ БИТВА — ЛУЧШИЙ ДЕНЬ В МОЕЙ ЖИЗНИ! АЛЕКСАНДР НЕВСКИЙ ДОЛЖЕН ВЕРНУТЬСЯ, ЧТОБЫ ОТПРАВИТЬ ГЕЙФРИЦЕВ И КЕБАБОВ ОБРАТНО В АД!! ХВАТИТ ОБИЖАТЬ ВЕЛИКОБРИТАНИЮ! МАТУШКА РОССИЯ СТРОНГ!!! Best drinking buddies ever. Really, because Putin said so, therefore it's right. If Putin said it, therefore it must be true.


 * Ukraine-icon.png Hochlandball -  ХАХАХАХАХАХА!!! Я УКРАЛ У ТЕБЯ КРЫМ И ТЕПЕРЬ ПОЧТИ ВСЮ ОСТАЛЬНУЮ ГЛИНУ ВОЗЬМУ!!! Но Львов брать не буду. ПОТОМУ ЧТО ЛЬВОВ - ПОЛЬСКАЯ ГЛИНА!!! ГОЛОДОМОР - ЛУЧШИЙ ДЕНЬ В МОЕЙ ЖИЗНИ!!! АМ НЯМ ХОХЛАНД!!! GIVE INDEPENDENCE TO NOVOROSSIYA!AND LET ME ANCHLUSS THEM! KHARKOV ,KIEV, ALL UKRAINE CLAY IS RIGHTEOUS ROSSIYA CLAY!!!!!!!! Runaway EU Peasant. Traitorous apostates who hate us because Natalia Poklonskaya used her Slavic sexiness to Anschliss free Crimea.AND GET OFF THE FENCE!


 * DickRhino-icon.png Swedenball, Denmark-icon.png Denmarkball and Norway-icon.png Norwayball - Orthodox Christianity only Christianity! Protestantism is HERESY made by crazy, vicious Kingdörk Vikings! (still hate their sister)


 * Vatican-icon.png Vaticanball and Italyball - Orthodox Christianity only Christianity! Catholicism is HERESY made by Romans!

 
 * Mongolia-icon.png Mongoliaball - Worst fear. 1237 WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!! I SUFFERED BULLYING WHEN I WAS A KID ... HE STUCK MY HEAD IN THE TOILET, STOLE MY LUNCH MONEY AND BEATED ME IN SCHOOL. BUT NOW AM OF STRONKEST THAN YUO. XAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXAXA!!! Wait, you say I have Mongols in me? OH SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!!!


 * Finland-icon.png Finlandball - Used to be my clay after I anschluss him from Sweden. He is also my second worst fear. At least he can into vodka. Renegade province. BUT I AM NOT GIVING KARAELIA BACK! (Because you stole my vodka, Cyka Blyat!)


 * ISISball - Since NATO pigskis not doing anything to stop this thing it's up to Mother Russia to save the day.


 * Georgiaball - I defeated yuo easily. So gib Abkhaziaball and  South Ossetiaball their independence! And let me anschluss them!


 * Azerbaijanball - Stop bullying Armeniaball or else I will remove yuo!


 * North Koreaball - Please shut up about your nukes or I will into removing yuo.


 * Lithuaniaball - American puppet pigs! Always can into independance!


 * Canadaball - Hockey rival, never forgetting 1972